


Many Texts About Nothing

by WigglyShakes



Category: Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19994080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WigglyShakes/pseuds/WigglyShakes
Summary: A modern AU Much Ado, abridged and told entirely through texts and other media messages





	1. An Email Conversation

From: messenger@gmail.com  
To: leonato@gmail.com, beatrice@gmail.com

Hey Leonato, 

I just learned that Don Pedro and his company are coming to stay for a few weeks. They'll be here really soon. Sorry for the short notice!

-Messenger

\---

From: leonato@gmail.com  
To: messenger@gmail.com, beatrice@gmail.com

Dear Messenger,

Thank you for getting in touch. I am grateful to have such wonderful friends.

Sincerely,  
Leonato

\---

From: beatrice@gmail.com  
To: messenger@gmail.com, leonato@gmail.com

Is Benedick coming with them?  
-Beatrice

\---

From: messenger@gmail.com  
To: leonato@gmail.com, beatrice@gmail.com

Yeah, he'll be here.

\---

From: beatrice@gmail.com  
To: messenger@gmail.com, leonato@gmail.com

ugh

\---

From: messenger@gmail.com  
To: leonato@gmail.com, beatrice@gmail.com

What's your problem with him?

\---

From: beatrice@gmail.com  
To: messenger@gmail.com, leonato@gmail.com

He sucks.

\---

From: messenger@gmail.com  
To: leonato@gmail.com, beatrice@gmail.com

Fair.


	2. The Main Group Chat

DON PEDRO: Heyyyyyyyy what’s up party people. This summer is gonna be LIT

BEATRICE: Why am i in this chat

CLAUDIO: Hey hero, wanna be my hero tonight? *wink wink*

BENEDICK: Seriously, dude?

DON PEDRO: Aw leave him alone man, not everyone’s a pruuuuude

BENEDICK: Yeah but i don’t wanna hear about claudio’s dick

BEATRICE: That’s rich, beneDICK

BENEDICK: Oh so that’s how it is?

BEATRICE: That’s how it is

HERO: Get a room guys

Hey claudio, let’s talk about this someplace else

BENEDICK: GET A ROOM GUYS


	3. A Text Between Claudio And Benedick

CLAUDIO: Hey man

BENEDICK: What

CLAUDIO: DUDE

BENEDICK: WHAT

CLAUDIO: Hero snapchatted me!!!

BENEDICK: Ok

CLAUDIO: Dude she’s so hot

BENEDICK: Yeah so what

CLAUDIO: I’m in love!!!

BENEDICK: Good for you

CLAUDIO: I think we’re getting to third base tonight

BENEDICK: Hey do you remember when we would hang out and laugh at the girls doing stupid shit on the beach instead of hitting on them

Those were better times

CLAUDIO: Don’t worry man, you’ll find love one day

BENEDICK: Kill me first


	4. A Text Between Claudio And Don Pedro, And Claudio And Hero

CLAUDIO: Dude i need you to help me figure out how to get laid with hero

DON PEDRO: Oh no problem man, i got you. I’m gonna tell you what to say

CLAUDIO: Ok ok great

DON PEDRO: Hey, you doing anything tonight? *wink wink*

CLAUDIO: No dude wtf, i’m going out with hero

DON PEDRO: 🤦no u send that to hero dumbass

CLAUDIO: Ooooooohhh

\---*to Hero*  
\---Hey, you doing anything tonight? *wink wink*

\---HERO: Yeah, you.

CLAUDIO: *sending a screenshot to Don Pedro* ????????!!!!!!!

DON PEDRO: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn

CLAUDIO: HELP!

DON PEDRO: Would i be there irl, or just in your head?

CLAUDIO:

\---*to Hero*  
\---Would i be there irl, or just in your head? 

\---HERO: When i decide i want you there, you’ll be there

\---CLAUDIO: When will that be?

\---HERO: I’ll 📞you

\---CLAUDIO: 🔥💦


	5. A Text Between Don John And Company

CONRADE: Hey u up

DON JOHN: Bold of you to assume i’m ever happy enough to sleep

CONRADE: Hey u don’t have time 4 that attitude, cheer up

DON JOHN: Why tho

CONRADE: Cuz then u won’t be sad

DON JOHN: Bitterness fuels my soul

CONRADE: Why can’t u fuel it with coffee like the rest of us

BORACHIO: GUYS I have got THE HOT TEA

Claudio and hero are GETTING HITCHED

DON JOHN: What?????!!!!

Nonononononono

He is way too pretty for her

CONRADE: Hehe gayyyyyyyyy

DON JOHN: We have to stop it. This is unacceptable

CONRADE: hehehehehe

DON JOHN: So are you all in for schemes of the most dastardly variety?

BORACHIO: Ya whatever’s chill man


	6. A Text Between Beatrice And Benedick

BENEDICK: hey

BEATRICE: New number, who dis

BENEDICK: Uhh it’s hero

BEATRICE: Oh my god. so. Freaking benedick told me that i have a grandma’s sense of humor. What a beneDICK amiright

BENEDICK: Who’s benedick?

BEATRICE: Um... my stupid-ass ex

BENEDICK: Right lol, of course, i know that

BEATRICE: Ugh he’s a total ass clown, he just follows don pedro and claudio around telling dumb jokes all day and then he has the nerve to accuse me of not being funny

BENEDICK: Wow, i’ll be sure to let him know if i see him 😂

BEATRICE: No don’t. He’ll just say something rude about me to his friends and they’ll never shut up about it

BENEDICK: Oh...


	7. The Main Group Chat

HERO: Hey guys, can you send me that attachment again? the pic was too small and i couldn't see it

CLAUDIO: That’s not what you said last night

BEATRICE: For the love of GOD, stop reminding me how single i am

DON PEDRO: Ya know, i'm always free if you wanna fix that...

BEATRICE: ...no.


	8. Facebook Status Update

"Hero and Claudio are Engaged!"

Benedick Mountanto, Leonato, and 4 other friends like this

Comments: 

-Don Pedro  
\----- yo dawgs congraaaaaaaaats

-Don John  
\----- yay.


	9. A Smaller Group Chat

DON PEDRO: Heyyyyyyyyyyy wassup so i’m sure you guys have noticed all the craaaaazy sexual tension going on with benedick and beatrice, so i started this group so we can get them together once and for all

CLAUDIO: OH awesome, that way benedick will stop teasing me abt my love for hero!!!

HERO: And my cousin has been single for WAY too long. I’m starting to think she might have an aneurysm if she doesn’t get laid soon

DON PEDRO: Ok i got it, so we’re gonna set up two groups chats and “accidentally” include them, then talk about how they're in love

CLAUDIO: Dude that’s brilliant!

URSULA: Count me in!

LEONATO: Guacamole recipe

HERO: Dad this isn’t google


	10. A Group Chat Which "Accidentally" Includes Benedick

DON PEDRO: Hey claudio, what was it you were saying about beatrice?

CLAUDIO: Oh yea, she’s in love with benedick! Can you believe it

DON PEDRO: Man that’s wiiiiiild. Yo you can’t tell him though

CLAUDIO: Nah, he’d get way too cocky. Cocky enough to be-a-dick, haha

DON PEDRO: Bahahaha

LEONATO: avocado

CLAUDIO: still not google


End file.
